Well, the past 2 weeks have been hard. It's been hard to stay positive, and it's been hard to tell family, friends, and the Facebook world. I really can't complain though. The actual birth of our little tuff guy went so smoothly, I couldn't be more grateful for that.
I've decided since I've already kind of gone through this once, that I would really like to be okay with this, and deal with it sooner than later. My miscarriage last year I know was just preparing me for what was to come, and I've already noticed it's made a difference. I can't imagine how much harder this would be had I not experienced something similar a year ago. Obviously they are a bit different, but they were both still a loss of mine, and both still dear to my heart.
I've learned with my previous trials that for me, it helps to talk about it, and not hold anything in. my poor husband is probably going nuts :)
I'm not going to give all the details of what's been going on, but enough for me and Tanner to remember down the road.
April 1- we had our 20 week ultrasound. Weeks previous I had been telling Tanner my stomach felt different, and I felt like it stopped growing or something. I didn't think anything of it- I just thought it was my brain being weird. Well, I was right. The ultrasound tech was getting measurements and her face just kind of dropped. She didn't say anything to us for a few minutes, and then she looked at us and said... "There's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry."
My heart....
dropped.
sunk.
was empty.
It didn't help that it was April Fools Day and everyone knows Tanner and I are jokers.
They gave Tanner and I the room to ourselves and we just sobbed. Sobbed until we couldn't anymore. We felt helpless, and empty.
literally.
I just couldn't believe it. Everything up to this point looked perfectly normal, they didn't suspect anything. They said that the baby measured 16 weeks, so they figured its heart stopped beating around then. Well...we heard the heartbeat at our 16 week ultrasound and the babe was goin nuts.
So....I dunno. Doesn't make sense to us.
So, the doc came in and told us our 'options.' I hate that word. But, he basically said I was too far
along to have a D &C, so I'd have to deliver it. Just the thought of that was sickening to me....
I have to deliver our dead child.
Definitely something I never thought I'd have to say.
So...long story short, we decided to wait until Thursday, the 3rd of April to take the pills to induce labor. Tan didn't work Thursday or Friday so we would have the whole weekend just in case. I took the first pill at 4 am, and nothing. Next pill at 8 am, nothing. It was frustrating that nothing was happening. I just wanted to get it over with and nothing was progressing. Finally at about 4pm I was having more contractions. We didn't want to be in the hospital longer than needed, so I was trying to
hold out as long as possible. We got to the hospital at like 5:30, because Dr. Lovell said he was concerned I was having chest pain, and wanted me to be monitored. Well we got there, and the nurse said I was having very mild contractions, and was hardly progressing at all.
I was quite overwhelmed when I got there. Questions were being shot at me all over the place.
"So do you guys want to see your baby?"
"Do you want to hold your baby?"
"Do you want to have a burial service?"
There was probably others I don't remember. But we hadn't even thought about any of that so it was a bit overwhelming.
Tan and I were finally able to be alone after IV's and monitoring, and several nurses. It was good to be alone and just talk about things. I sure love that man of mine.
My parents came at like 6:30 and sure did brighten up the room. My mom was in a hilarious mood,
and I'm so grateful. She was telling funny birth stories, and was just laughing nonstop. We had some nice chats, and I'm so glad they were there. They definitely made the wait in the hospital not as long and depressing.
Nothing was happening still and it was 7:30. So...they had to give me meds vaginally. Never been in so much pain in my life. From then until 11, things progressed a little more. Had to do more meds
vaginally to get things rolling. I seriously wanted to die it hurt so much. But, I was glad things were progressing.
The nurse gave me a sleeping pill, and put together tan's hideously non-comfortable bed :)
We were exhausted. We both tried to sleep. I didn't sleep much, but he did, which I was glad. Those poor beds are awfully uncomfortable.
I couldn't sleep much because of the pain, but at about midnight the nurse gave me morphine and that helped a lot and I was finally able to fall asleep. HALLELUJAH.
I slept for about 1.5 hours and then the pain kept getting worse. I knew something was gonna happen
soon.
Sure enough, at 1:15am, our little one was born. I seriously couldn't have asked for the delivery to go smoother than it did. Even my Dr. and the nurses kept saying that usually these deliveries are pretty bad and they have to do a D&C afterwards.
They asked us what we wanted to name "her," because we weren't sure if it was a boy or girl- and so
the Dr. took like 10 minutes figuring it if it was a girl or a boy...sure enough Tanner got his little boy he'd been telling everyone about for 5 months :) It just seemed perfect to name him Tuff. Every since we found out, Tanner's been telling everyone and anyone that it's a boy and he's gonna name him Tuff. It was kind of a joke- so we couldn't not name him that.
Tuff Ronnie Stevens. It seemed perfect.
Tuff for Tanner, Ronnie after my dad, and Stevens after Tan's dad.
Holding our sweet little boy was the most precious, and bittersweet thing I've ever experienced. It was actually a very spiritual experience for me. He weighed 2 oz, or 52 grams. The nurses brought him in to us wearing a sweet little crocheted hat, and booties, wrapped in a crocheted blanket.
Here's a pic. It doesn't do it justice- but the hat and booties are the tiniest, cutest things I've ever seen.
He looked so peaceful and perfect- I just wanted to stare at him and hold him forever. His cute little body parts just broke my heart.
They were all there...
They were SO little....
and his feet and hands...oh my gosh. The cutest things I seriously have ever seen. His little toes. I just couldn't stop staring at them. They were perfect, all 10 of them :)
It was comforting to know that he was back in the presence of our Heavenly Father, and was happy there with our other little baby. They are probably best friends up there- cheering Tanner and I on :)
Tanner and I find comfort in knowing that he received his body, and that we could provide that for him.
I had the sweetest nurses. I had 2 while I was there- and one of them especially- her name was Jill. She crocheted the hat, booties, and blanket, and made a matching necklace and ring. Such a thoughtful woman. She also gave me a blanket to hold whenever I want to feel his presence and be
comforted.
I honestly wasn't expecting to take anything home with us- I had no idea what they were going to do- if anything. But I am so grateful they gave me what they did! Here's pics of what they gave us:
A cute journal and the blanket she crocheted and wrapped Tuff in.
His adorable footprints- along with a necklace and matching ring :)
His "memory box," and super soft blanket from my nurse Jill :)
It was an interesting experience holding our little boy, and looking at him, and talking to him. I just couldn't believe how perfect he was. He had only developed for 16 weeks- but it was incredible to see the development that was there.
Tanner and I weren't sure if we wanted to see him, or hold him. But we are SO glad that we did- it really gave us closure I think- and has helped us be able to move on and be okay with everything sooner than later.
I don't know if I can say for sure that I am grateful for this trial in my life. I don't think I'm to that point yet. But I can say that I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have that we will see our little Tuff
man again. I know that I will be able to raise him in the next life, and be able to see him. Tanner and I just keep thinking that maybe this was his way of getting to the Celestial Kingdom- waiting for us to join him and see him again :) I really can't wait for that day.
We also got this from the hospital that I actually didn't see for a few days later.
I didn't think that he'd get a birth certificate because they had originally told us that. This one's not real though- it's just a replica of a real one :)
To end this super de duper long post, I feel really blessed with the amount of love and support we've received. Really. Here's some pictures to show how much love we've received. They've really meant the world to us.
It's not just these things that have meant the world to us- it's the many facebook messages, text messages, phone calls, emails, random visits, blessings, dinners, and more. people care- and I LOVE that. It's changed my perspective on things.
There's one thing in-particular I need to share so I don't forget. I feel horrible because I didn't get a picture of what she brought. BUT...that's okay. I sold a little jacket to a lady off of Facebook that I hardly knew, and she must've seen what I put on Facebook, but she stopped by and gave us a giant pizza, and a bouquet of flowers. Meant the world to me. Here's a lady that I only met once- who bought something from me- but yet she took the time out of her day to stop by and ask how we were doing. I want to be more like her- because it really made an impact.
I wish there was a way I could thank everyone, but I don't think there is. I'll always remember though, seriously, the amount of love that people have shown to us. This has made me realize that I want to be more like all the kind people that have reached out to us.
We love our Tuff little angel.
