Can't believe a year has gone by!

Several people have told me how much they appreciate my blog and me sharing my personal stories. I just have to put it out there that I don't write my personal posts for people to feel sorry for me.  That is not my intention whatsoever :)   I have found that for me, having a place to 'vent' if you will, and having a place where I can keep my memories forever has been an amazing experience for me! I've thought several times about making my blog private, but I have had over a dozen people thank me for my blog. People that I do and don't even know.  Its actually been a huge blessing and tender mercy for me. That I can help people JUST by sharing my life stories and my testimony. I don't know what these people have/are going through, but just the fact that this blog has helped people to not give up, and to stay positive when times get hard, continues to strengthen me every day :)  THAT is why I continue to blog about things that are so dear to my heart.  

Last year at about this time marks such a special place in my heart :)  April 1 we found out our little boy was no longer alive at our ultrasound appointment.  We were told I was too far along to have a D&C, and so I would have to deliver him just like a normal delivery. Thinking about delivering my dead child was heart-wrenching and sickening to me. I couldn't think about it too much because I just couldn't.  I also didn't want to let my body do it naturally because I just wanted to get it overwith. So...we tried inducing labor for the next 2 days, finally I went into labor the night of april 3. April 4 I delivered him and got to hold him and talk to him.  I can't believe it's been a year already.  I don't know how Tanner and I did it, but we were able to move on from that very quickly, and become okay with it faster than I would've ever hoped. 

To read last year's post click here: http://tanner-maddie.blogspot.com/2014/04/we-love-you-tuff.html

It happened at a very interesting time. A time when Easter was a few days away, and all I could think about was how I wasn't pregnant anymore, and that my child was dead.  It was a really hard reality for me to accept. It took a while to be okay with everything and shortly after coming to terms with reality, I just couldn't believe that Tanner and I were able to give Tuff a body. Unfortunately his spirit returned to Heavenly Father, but for that I am grateful!! Because I get to see him again!  I can't help but think that it happened at that time for a reason. Not going to lie, Tanner and I weren't all hunky dory last year when it happened, especially because it was around Easter, but now a year later I realize that it happened around Easter time for a reason. For me. And it has strengthened my testimony of Christ and his resurrection immensely. That I know that Tuff will be resurrected someday, and his spirit will be reunited with his cute perfect little body, and that I will be able to see him again :) Why? because Christ sacrificed himself so that we could all understand this concept. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes, that someone could be so selfless to do that for all of his children.  It's incredible, really.  

Christ really helped pull me through the last year.  I think that delivering my dead child is probably the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.  And I don't know how I did it as strong and as positively as I did.  Don't get me wrong- I had my days. But I definitely know that it could've been worse. Tanner played a huge part that's for sure, but he didn't fully understand what I was going through. Christ on the other hand, knew exactly how I felt, and I am here to tell you that he pulled me through. He picked me up at times when I  couldn't.  He helped me to move on and to realize that my babies were coming.  He helped me be patient.  He helped Tanner and I grow closer together.  He helped me turn to Him even when I didn't want to.  He helped me in soooo many ways, ways that I am still seeing today.

I think that delivering my son has actually helped prepare me for our baby girl, who is due in 2 weeks. It has helped me not have so much fear of giving birth, and it has given me an idea of what it will be like. Obviously the 2 births will be completely opposite, but I've been through it once, I know I can get through it again. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my little boy, and how I know that he is up in Heaven watching over Tanner and I, rooting us on so we can see him again.  It's so comforting to know that he's up there waiting for us, and that it is up to Tanner and I to do all we can to return to see him and raise him!! AH I can't wait for that day!! It will be the best day EVER!!!

All in all, the past year has been filled with mixed feelings and emotions. Really rough days, days where I have wanted to give up, days where I didn't want to get out of bed, days where I was mad at God, days where I just couldn't function.  But it has also been full of days where my blessings have been poured out upon me, days where God has literally helped me get out of bed, days where I have been able to talk to people that have lost a child and help get them through, days where I have been strengthened by my little boy, days where I have seen God's love for me. 

 I think that after a year of grieving and trying to live life to its fullest even when it's been hard, I can FINALLY say that I am grateful for this trial that God has given me.  Because I have looked back on the past year and have seen SOOO many blessings, and SOOO many positive things that have happened to Tanner and I because of it. A huge one of those being blessing others lives that are going through the same thing or something similar. 

One of the biggest things that has given me comfort and has helped me stay positive the past year has been this:

I can't find the exact quote anywhere, but it went something like this:

"Those precious babies that have died without being able to live a full life on earth are too perfect to be brought into this world." 

THAT is what's kept me going. Knowing that Tuff was a perfect little spirit that I will be able to raise someday :) 

I love my little boy and my cute little family, and I feel so blessed to have a PERFECT little son in heaven living with his Heavenly Father. Keep your head up. When times get hard, GOD IS THERE!! He will help you and pull you through :)

I LOVE the picture that I got of Tuff's footprints. On those days when I couldn't get through my day, I would think of the story of the footprints in the sand, while staring at my little boys prints. I bet that God and Tuff make footprints in the sand together, and have conversations just like this :)  What a comforting thought.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Love, love LOVE that story :)

Happy easter :)