Then comes what??

A baby!

So I have to warn anyone reading this. It's gonna be long. And probably chuck full of details and my personal feelings.  This our pretty much our family journal so I like to write as much detail so I can have it on hand in the future! So...if you don't like that- then stop reading. hahaha.

This year just started off....amazing. I don't know how else to describe it other than AMAZING. I don't want to make what I'm saying a huge deal...but I knew if I didn't write it down that I would forget down the road! So anyway- Tan and I ever since we got married knew we wanted kids. In a bad way. Haha. We love their energy, we love their innocence, we love their sweet giggles, we just LOVE THEM. After 9 months of trying...nothing. It was devastating. All I've ever wanted is to be a mom. I didn't understand why it was so hard. It became very frustrating, and draining month after month.

So...we got started on fertility pills because we were told we couldn't get pregnant on our own. The second month on them (jan), I had a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink and I just stared at it.I didn't want to look at a negative pregnancy test for the billionth time. So I didn't do it. Well, a few hours later, I was just at our apt alone and I just had this really weird feeling to go take it. So I was like heck...OK whatever. And prepared myself to stare at the negative test again. I came back into the bathroom after like 10 minutes and I couldn't believe my eyes! Lo and Behold there were 2 pink lines. I paced around the house just thinking, "Is this real? This can't be real." And I was just sobbing waiting for Tanner to come home. I wanted to think of a cute way for me to tell him, so I put the test in an envelope, and set it in front of the door for him to see when he walked in. It said this:

Sorry I couldn't figure out how to flip it. 

Anyway, so he came home, picked it up, and was like, "what's this?" I said, "Just open it!" As I was holding back my tears. He opened it and he just stared at me. He was like, "REALLY?" and I said, "I don't know! YEAH!!" we jumped in each other's arms and just bawled. We were soooooo excited. My family has a history of miscarriages...so naturally I worried all day every day. 

So we went to our first appointment on March 15- I was supposed to be 8.5 weeks. We were devastated. There was no baby- and no heartbeat. I was so confused and couldn't hold back my tears in that darn ultrasound room. They left for a while so Tan and I could talk, and said they'd be back in a while to talk about our options. They said they wanted to see us back in a week to make sure. So- that was the worst week of my life. I prepared myself for the worst- while still holding onto a tiny ray of sunshine that a miracle would happen.  

So...March 22 came. I was a nervous wreck all day. Got another ultrasound- and same thing- nothing. I felt empty inside. And i just wanted to scream. Anyway, I'll spare all the details but we decided to go against a D&C since there was nothing in there, and went the pill route. They told me that it would basically be like I was giving birth. contractions and everything. I took the pill, and I will not go into detail- but it was awful. I've never been in so much pain in my life. I didn't go to work for a week- and it was just...really....awful. My mom sent me these gorgeous flowers..along with my favorite chocolate dipped pretzels from Florences....she is such a sweetheart.

Anyway, so life went on. Life was hard for a couple months, but eventually I moved on and realized I could've had it a LOT worse. So I replaced my pouting with Hope. It was an amazing few months I had to ponder and think, and become closer to my Heavenly Father. 

This experience didn't make us stop trying at all. It only made us want to try harder. So...we then got on a double dose of clomid. There were 3 months or so in the summer that were the hardest, most stressful, and the WORST months of my life. I can't even explain it to you in words.  Clomid had some serious side effects on me. To name a few- migraines, weight gain, depression, anxiety, heat flashes, shortness of breath, and rapid heart rate. It was seriously horrible! There were 2 months I think July and August that were particularly really hard and confusing for me. In July I had developed bad depression- and I couldn't control it. It was the weirdest thing of my life. I just kept thinking to myself, "I am not a depressed person. This is horrible. What can I do?" I got to a pretty bottomless pit and it was the scariest thing I'd ever experienced. In August that started going away, and I developed serious anxiety. This was probably the worst side effect of them all. One morning, I woke up, and my body wouldn't let me get out of bed. It was shaking uncontrollably, I was sweaty and clammy, and I just couldn't get out of bed! Tanner got ready to go to work and I just started bawling. I couldn't control it. It just came. My heart started beating faster and faster, and I couldn't let go of him. He hugged me, and then said he had to leave. I was hysterically bawling- because I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me. (now mind you- he left every day for work so it wasn't an issue at all before this.) I chased him out to the car and plead for him not to leave me. I feel so bad looking back that he put up with me! hahaha. He finally left and i bawled for like 4 hours because the anxiety was so bad. It was honestly scary for me- and I didn't know how to handle it. 

I called my Dr. and talked to him and he told me to try the generic brand of clomid. Well, turns out they don't sell that anymore. So...I decided to just suck it up- and it'd be worth it someday :)

So that was the story of our first pregnancy...now it's time for THIS ONE!!!!

So after 2 years of trying, and a year and a half of hideous clomid......BOOM...Baby #2. So....Here's the story. It was December 10th and I was actually at work and had a pregnancy test in my purse. haha random i don't even know why. Anyway- it was still getting really frustrating seeing 1 line on those darn tests. But I was sitting there at work- and same thing as last time- I felt like I should go take it. So...I did. and I left it my purse for like an hour cuz I didn't want to look at it. Finally I looked at it and...

a positive.

It was a miracle.

I stared at it allll day. I couldn't believe my eyes.  I took one the next morning to make sure...and it was positive. AHHHH I couldn't wait to tell Tanner. Well...funny story. I threw up 8 times during the night and into that morning. So I was thinking, "Oh my...I really am pregnant. And I'm gonna have the worst morning sickness ever. Bring it on! haha" I was not happy- but I was at the same time. So I drove to Albertsons where Tanner was working, prepared him a lunch, and put the test in a plastic bag. We ate lunch in the car and I had told him I threw up 8 times that morning.  He was lke, "Well did you take a test?" I said I hadn't yet and that I needed to. hee hee. Well he reached into his lunch and eventually pulled it out.  He just stared at it and then we stared at each other. We couldn't believe it.  It was the biggest miracle and blessing ever.

Naturally since we'd already had a miscarriage, I was a worry wart. I went and talked to my Dr. at 3.5 weeks. hahaha. He knows all my family's history and was so kind talking to me about everything. We decided against getting on progesterone and just see how this one turns out.  Tanner and I went back at 6 weeks(dec 26) for an ultrasound. I was so nervous. Last time we had an ultrasound our hopes and dreams were shattered and there was nothing. But this time was different. From the 2 weeks we had to wait to get an ultrasound Tanner was so amazing. He would always pray for "him" (the baby), and he ALWAYS without fail reassured me that he was okay in there.  I believed him with my whole heart. But I was still nervous. I asked Tanner to give me a blessing before we went- and it was amazing how calm I felt afterwards. I had felt like I was prepared for anything. To see a baby, to not see a baby. I was ready.  So...we go. We are both sweating bullets, all the while Tanner is telling me he's okay and there's nothing to worry about.

IT. WAS. A. MIRACLE.  literally. Babies are miracles. Sure enough- there was our little "baby boy." (Tanner was 100% positive it was a boy) "He" was measuring 6 weeks exactly, and had a heartbeat of 111bpm. The tech showed us the heartbeat. That broke it for me. I just bawled.  I had always dreamt of seeing our babe's heartbeat on an ultrasound.  It breaks my heart to know that some people believe that babies aren't "alive" or really "human" until they come out of the womb. It's ridiculous to me.  A heartbeat doesn't mean that it's dead...it means they are ALIVE and doing well!!! Oh man- best day of our lives.  We had been waiting for this moment for years and it was finally here- staring at us on the computer screen. amazing. It didn't look like a baby at all, but I didn't care. Its heart was beating, at a perfect rate, and it was in there.  That's all that mattered.  She sent us with some pictures and we left.

Here's our little bean. At this time it was literally the size of a jelly bean. We decided to tell just our imediate families. The more prayers the better :)  So for my family, we all got together over Christmas.  I actually told my mom lke the day I found out haha. We told my dad by putting a note inside a Klondike bar that said...."Hi Daddy...your baby is having a baby!" He was in the basement...and boy did he scream! WE knew he had just read it.  He was so happy. bittersweet moment.  To tell all my siblings we waitied until my brother Tanner's birthday and we put the ultrasound pic in a picture frame and wrapped it.  I wish I took a picture of it cuz it was cute...haha but he opened it and his face was priceless. His jaw dropped and he yelled, "You're pregnant?" It took my siblings a while but then they all screamed and it was magical.

We had decided not to tell anyone else until after 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage goes down dramatically, and so we could have another ultrasound and see if "he" was okay.  The wait was torture. I was always worrying whether it was ok and its little heart was still beating.  At about 11 weeks my lower belly started to get hard....so I knew something was still in there hahaha.  

Our next appointment was on February 6.  Tanner almost didn't make it...but I made him come.  Lots of things were running through my head. Lots and lots of different emotions.  Our appointment was at 3:40.  longest day of my life. We get there and I had prepared myself for the worst.  Well, the tech got right to it and sure enough...there it was!!!! "He" looked completely different. We could actually see its cute little profile- with a cute button nose.  It was sleeping and so the tech was poking and prodding all over to make it wake up haha. It finally moved and rolled completely over! it was cool.  We could see its hand, and it bent its knee. I just couldn't control my leaking eyes. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen! Tanner even had a few tears :) We asked her if we could find out the gender and she was like no..it's way too early.  She did say though at 12 weeks you can see a boys little pee pee, but it's really small.  She said she had to get it in just the right position and zoom up. 

Now before I continue..Tanner has been teling our families for 2 months that it's a boy, his name is gonna be TUFF, and he's gonna be daddy's TUFF little boy. hahahahaha I always told him "Babe if it's a girl you're gonna be really dissappointed." But he was 110% sure it was a boy. He said, "Real men make men." HAHAHA. deep down I really wanted it to be a girl ;) 

Ok so anyway, she got it in the right position, took a picture and zoomed up.  she explained to us that at this stage, girls have 3 little dots, and boys just have a little thing sticking up.  She looks at it, and goes, "Well....do you really wanna know? I'm about 80% sure what it is."  so we were like HECK YA!! she said...there's 3 little dots...it's definitely not a boy. HAHAHAHAHAHA I laughed for SO long- and in Tanners face too.  His face kind of sunk a little bit- and he pouted the whole way home while I just laughed.  The tech did say that she could be wrong...so Tanner is still holding on to that statement. And if she does turn into a boy....then we will have a funny story to tell him when he's older:) haha

We got home, and he pouted in the bedroom for like 30 minutes. I just gave him his space- cuz nowI felt bad laughing at him forever.  He finally snapped out of it and I think now he's not so pouty.  We are seriously just so grateful that she's healthy in there.  She was growing faster than normal and her heartbeat was 164 bpm- right on track!  She gave me a new due date of August 15. I love staring at the pictures of her. I can't believe that she is actually ours...and that she is healthy in there! Let's pray she stays that way :) Here's some pics:

Look at her cute little profile! Love it.

Here is her bum bum. hahaha. These are on our fridge....I stare at them lke a billion times a day. I think she's cute already. We feel so blessed.  We decided to tell the rest of our families, so we called our grandparents and told them it was 80% girl.  I made this cute collage and put it on facebook.

So my parents are actually going to Israel for a year in August....so when I found out, my mom had initially told me she and my dad weren't going to be here. I was SO SAD! By the time they got home our child would be a year old and wouldn't even know their grandparents!  Dr. Lovell said that if she is healthy and everything looks good, he can induce me a week early...so hopefully she will come so that she can meet her grandparents!

Anyway, if you are still reading this you're a champ.  It took me like 5 hours to write this hahaha.  All in all, I am just so incredibly grateful.  I'm grateful our Savior has trusted Tanner and I to be parents of this sweet angel. We feel so blessed with the amount of support we've received from family and friends.  It's been a long time waiting and we are so grateful for this sweet miracle in our lives. We love her already more than anything, and can't wait for August to get here!!!! woohoo!