So the past year and a half. almost 2 years. hmm. I am relying on pictures I've taken the past year to help catch us up a little bit.
I have felt a little "numb" the past year and a half I guess you could say. I don't know how else to describe how I've been feeling other than numb. Tanner left the church in August of 2016. It's been a pretty rough adjustment for me, and for the both of us. I'm just now coming around to what I'm faced with, while trying to accept it, keep living my life, and be the best I can be. I don't want to say too much because I need to respect Tanner, and us. But that is the jist of it. I love Tanner with all my heart. It's made me question my every day decisions, and I have lots of thoughts floating around in my head that I try to keep straight on a daily basis. It is extremely trying to live in a mixed religious marriage. I have now questioned things that I never thought I'd question. You still love your spouse, you still love the church, but some days it seems impossible to love both. So I'm here, I'm trying my best, but every day is hard. Not even gonna sugar coat things.
A scripture that keeps me going is Joshua 1:9: " Be strong & courageous. do not be afraid. do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." This scripture doesn't keep me going every day. Some days I don't get out of bed until 9. Some days I get up, read my scriptures, go to the temple, do everything I know I should be doing, but that doesn't happen every day, or every week. I wish it did but it's just not realistic. It's nice to know that family and friends are here for me, but a lot of times I feel alone.
Through this journey I'm learning to just be real. Let my emotions out, and don't try and hide them. Obviously in certain situations I hide them, but for the most part I'm real with people. Instead of saying I'm having a great day when It hasn't been the greatest day, I'll just come out and say what's on my mind. It's helped me truly feel what is going on in my life, instead of hiding it and pretending like every day is filled with roses and chocolate. hahaha. yes that was the best analogy I could just come up with. hahahaha. Also I've realized that being real and open with people has made me feel closer to people. I've had to be careful with who I share this info with, but I pick wisely and try to only be open with people that will stay neutral, and not hate my husband or view him differently for the choices he's made.
Overall, it's really hard. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to experience my emotions, and get through it. No matter what it takes. I love Tanner. I love his whittiness, I love how he works so hard for us so that we can do fun things together. I love how he loves Gracie. I love how he can make me laugh harder than anyone else. I love the conversations we have together. I love his lips. hahahahaha ok ok I'll stop. Anyway, there's a little glimpse for you. If you see me or Tanner, just love us. Don't treat us different.
If there's one thing I've learned through all this that I can share with the whole world, it would be to just LOVE. That is all you can do in situations like this. LOVE and BE KIND. It doesn't mean you have to agree with what the other person is feeling or doing, but LOVE goes a long way. So if you see us, just LOVE US.
I'm just going to do quick recaps for my records and hopefully I don't slack this much ever again!!!!
MAY 2017:
we bought a freewheeler and had SO MUCH FUN. We went on rides with Gracie every week, and she loved going on "her rides."
Here's just some random pictures that are in my phone from May :)
this is my FAVORITE PICTURE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. we were just at the park one day and didn't even plan this. <3 <3 <3
JUNE 2017:
Gracie and I spent our days outside, mostly playing in the water!!! She's such a little fishy I love it.
she's such a spaz.
JULY 2017:
We went camping with Tanner's family for their reunion, and went to bear lake!! We also had my families reunion the end of July at the HOLMSTEAD RANCH and had SO MUCH FUN!!!! Here's some pics:
HOLMSTEAD RANCH PICS:
For my family's reunion we went to HOLMSTEAD RANCH!! Talk about an amazing trip. they have a man-made lake surrounded by i think 6 cabins. There is a meeting house where we'd meet to eat, have dance parties, talk, have devotionals, etc. SERIOUSLY SO MUCH FUN. This one's for the books! Each family had their own cabin, and our own space. They were like mini hotel rooms with everything you need! a loft area where gracie slept, a pull out bed for us, a TV, a table, fridge, everything you need for a weeks time. I'm sitting here trying to come up with what to even say about the trip. It was just like a dream. I felt like I was in paradise. We were able to swim in the lake, kayak in it, raft, tube, play on the sand, chill, just do whatever! There also were golf carts where we could go on little jaunts if we wanted! the owners house was on the hill and it was MASSIVE> They had fam animals so the kids could feed the animals, there was a shooting range, just so many options to create lasting memories.
here's some pics:
I LOVE This pic. Seriously isn't that view incredible?? Looking back it was probably one of the funnest, most memorable trips I've been on. Tanner and I were able to ponder a lot about life, and just stuff. It was nice to be able to sit there and relax and just do our thing. I ended up driving separate with Gracie because Tanner had to finish some things for work. It went a lot better than I though too! we had a few meltdowns but for an 8 hour drive with just me and her, couldnt've gone any better. My parents put a lot of time and effort into this reunion and it was one for the books!! Thanks mom and Dad.
I knowIi prefaced this post with the struggles I've been having the past while. I'm not quite ready to dive into them quite yet, but stay tuned. It' gonna take me some time.
